Itachi is WHAT!
by Legacyofthedawn
Summary: Sauske finds out where his brother lives... and his suprising new job


Sauske is walking through Kohona and is excited about the upcoming chunin Exam Finals. He sees and entertainment magazine… But not just any magazine… it's a porn magazine! With ITACHI on the cover!!!!! He runs to Itachi's address in the magazine… Right next to his house!!! He runs to the door and beaks it down and rushes Itachi's house Chidori blazing. Itachi, who is just getting out of the shower quickly breaks his brothers wrist. "Wow little brother, I had no Idea you were gay… It certainly explains why the snake man gave you a hickey."

" I am not gay you bastard!" Sauske was indignant

"Yes you are. After all why else you walk in just before I got out of the shower?"

" Why were you in the magazine I found anyway? And HOW THE HELL DID I NOT NOTICE YOU LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR???"

" So… you're here because you want to use my services… Sorry but I am straight."

" No Damnit!!"

"So you say." Itachi was already bored with his brother even though its been like 20 seconds since the conversation started…

" Why did no one tell me that you live here?" Sauske was gritting his teeth, wanting to get answers before he gets his revenge.

There was a knock at the door… but Sauske destroyed the door, didn't he? Itachi walks up to the doorway and is about to walk out side when he… rammed into thin air!

"WTF???" He tests the air and feels wood. Getting pissed at the door he performs and seals and fires "Karyū Endan" The air is unaffected by Itachi's efforts

He finally gets and idea and feels the air… and finally! A doorknob! He opens the door and sees none other than… the landlord!!

"Oh hello Itachi, how are you?" he blinks and finds that he is being pinned to the wall with a kunai at his throat.

"Sasuke, stop molesting the landlord… He's not Orochimaru or one of his little bitches so leave him alone." Sauske, enraged used his miraculously healed arm to throw a kunai at his brother who deftly dodges it Sauske then interrogates the landlord.

" Why did you not tell me Itachi lives next door?" Sharingan lit, he looks more deranged than Orochimaru's idea of a teddy bear.

" I did, I even gave you a memo that announced, and I quote 'Itachi, killer of clans and women alike, is now living in 259 Copycat lane. He will also be filming his first non-porno based movie "The Uchiha clan massacre, the real story. So watch out for cameras!' Unquote"

At this point Itachi left the room to get dressed.

On a related note the landlords body was never found and Sasuke never paid rent again…

Itachi walks out and sees that his landlord is now a pile of ashes. (hey, I said the _Body _was never found, never said anything about ashes) "Sasuke! He was my fucking manager Damnit!" Itachi was furious! That guy just came to give him his paycheck, and Sasuke killed him!!! Itachi activated his Magyenko sharingan and Sasuke felt chains on his arms and legs. Observing his environment he found out that he was in an overly pink room and was surrounded be his _female_ fan club! " For the next 72 hours you will be at the mercy of your female fan club"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" 3 seconds in real time later Sasuke was in a fetal position with his eyes closed, Begging for Michael Jackson or Orochimaru to appear and molest him. After all, he needed to cover the horrible memories of having sex with a female! It just wasn't right to do that!!

Apparently Fate felt the need to screw with Sasuke today instead because instead of a gay child molester, a sunset appeared. Itachi looked at his clock 'strange, its only 3 P.M?' Then, a sound that all men (and women) dread was heard. 

"LEE"

"GAI SENSEI"

"LEE"

"GAI SENSEI"

"LEE"

"GAI SENSEI"

"LEE!"

"GAI SENSEI!"

Itachi looked through his still destroyed door and saw a gruesome display of Eyebrows, spandex and so-called 'manly hugging' "Gai, prepare to meet your worst nightmare!" Gai turns towards toward Itachi and looks him strait in the eye…. And nothing happened "WTF is wrong with my eyes!?! Oh, hold on Gai, the batteries are dead." Itachi pops out his eyes and replaces the batteries "OK NOW you will suffer" Itachi expected Gai to be bound to a stake but found himself trapped n his own genjutsu! "What the hell???"

"A MEASLY GENJUTSU SUCH AS THIS CANNOT OVERWHELM THE FLAMES OF YOUTH! INSTEAD YOU ARE TRAPPED IN YOUR OWN GENJUTSU!" If you need to ask who this is… your reading the wrong fanfic…..

Itachi was horrified, he was trapped in a genjutsu controlled by Gai….

On the outside, it was Itachi's turn to be in a fetal position. Who wouldn't be after having a 72 hour hugging session (but Lee)?

"so…gruesome…so...not…manly…"

"All right Itachi, now do you give up!?!"

"Sasuke, I already told you, I'm not gay, and even if I was, no family discounts."

"I mean do you give up in our battle!?!"

"We were having a battle?"

"…"

"Well anyway I have an appointment. Its casting for your part for my movie!!!"

" Wait! I haven't killed you yet!!!"

"And you never will."

"Why not?"

"Look behind you"

He looked… and found several women walking of Itachi's house with a vengeful and protective fire in their eyes…

"Get them!!!"

Gai was suddenly surrounded by several women who proceeded to beat down on him with more strength then he had with all 8 gates open. Sauske was being beaten on by ¾ of Itachi's customers/stalkers and Itachi watched this while recording the whole thing "hehe, can't wait to get this to Naurto…and he's a quite the tipper"

With the thought of getting paid and plans for his movie, Itachi left. After several hours of being beaten, Sasuke finally escapes.

"DAMNIT!!! I ALMOST HAD HIM!!!"

Suddenly he heard Ino and Sakura gossiping

"Did you hear? Sasuke got beaten by his brother again."

"WHAT!!! not my Sasuke!!"

Sakura girl, cut it out. We know you have the hots for everyone on the show."

Yeah… hey, lets get frozen yogurt."

"How do they know Itachi beat me? Unless…"

Hey Sasuke."

"Wha… Naruto!!"

I cant believe Itachis fangirls beat you!!"

How do you know about that?"

"Itachi sold me a copy, so I'm selling tickets!!!"

"… Your lucky I love you so much or id kill you."

"I know!!"

….

….

"WTF!!!"

"Yeah, whenever we spar in taijutsu… I kind of feel you up a little…"

Naruto grins "you shouldn't have said that"

(Insert sasuke's confused face here) "why not?"

"Look behind you"

Sasuke notices 3 things.

1- Naruto has a camcorder and is recording him

2- A large amount of chakra is gathering behind him

3- Killing Intent is building up behind him

He looks behind him and sees a berserker Hinata

"Holy shit!!!"

"SASUKE!!!!!"

"Uhhhhhh… Hinata, look. I'm sure we can work something out, preferably something that doesn't involve me getting hurt?! How about you can have Naruto!?"

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

"Look!! Over there!!! Is that Naruto proposing to you!?!"

"Where!?!?!?!"

Sasuke turns around and runs but runs into… Another Hinata!!! He turns around and sees the other Hinata turns into smoke.

Hinata quickly strikes a tenketsu in a… very uncomfortable place. She then proceeds to beat the crap out of him and ties him up to a pole in the middle of Kohona in his boxers and tells his fan girls where to find him.

…. Lets just say he never left the loony bin again…

But he did see why his brother was so famous…

… and he even got to see his movie the Uchiha Massacre.


End file.
